We Need Each Other – 10

We Need Each Other – 10

Subject – Resolving Conflict in the Community

By Rick Welborne

Hebrews 10:24-25 (NLT2)
²⁴  Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.
²⁵  And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.

Matthew 18:15-17 (NIV)
¹⁵  "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
¹⁶  But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'
¹⁷  If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. 

1. If there is conflict…

2. You…

3. Go…

4. To the person…

5. In private…

6. And discuss the problem…

7. For the purpose of reconciliation.

1. We Must Acknowledge There is Conflict. 

2. We Must Own Responsibility in the Conflict.

3. We Do Not Avoid the Person, but We Go to Them. 

4. We Must Not Include Third Parties.

--Jesus says (and He is supposed to be Lord) go directly “to the person” you are in conflict with. As a general rule, we don’t want to go to the person we are in conflict with. Last person I want to go to.

--Honestly, I want to go to someone else and tell them what is going on and get their feedback. Of course, a neutral third party who will be fair about the issue. Right!

--You tell this third neutral party your concerns (the Bible calls this gossip and slander) not to tell anyone else that this brother or sister is a deeply disturbed psychopath. 

--The truth is, it’s more fun and it’s easier to go to someone else. I can have the third party to commiserate (sympathize) with me. I’m building my case. You are actually building walls.

--Please do not think the early church was without conflict. Yes, they were of one mind and they were devoted to one another but they were not without problems and conflict.

--The Greek speaking members were upset with the Hebrew speaking members over the care of their widows. Paul and Barnabas went their separate ways because they had a conflict about Mark.

--Paul wrote to Philippi, where two prominent women, Euodia and Syntyche were locked in conflict. What he doesn’t tell them was each of them make their case before the church.

Philippians 4:2-3 (NIV)
²  I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord.
³  Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. 

--Notice how Paul after he has pleaded with them to agree, commends them as women who contended with him for the gospel and he says their names are in the book of life. 

--Just because they were having conflict did not mean they were bad people. Just because we are spiritual does not mean an absence of conflict. 

--The litmus test is how we handle it. Conflict is inevitable. Resentment is optional. Going directly to the person is a command by Jesus. 

--There is a myth that if I can go to a non-biased third party and vent (talk out my issues) it will help me work thru it. Two problems. We don’t go to a neutral person and it’s not what Jesus said.

Carol Tavris – Talking out an emotion doesn’t reduce it, it rehearses it. As you recite your grievances, your emotional arousal builds up again, making you feel as angry as you did when the infuriating event first happened, and, in addition, establishing an attitude of hostility about the source of your rage. 

--Sadly churches split over conflict. In the 20^th Century there were more than 100 varieties of Baptist Churches. There are more than 33,000 denominations of Christianity in the world and most all were splits.

--Almost all of them were born out of anger and hostility. Noteworthy is the fact that these splits happened between people who claimed to follow the teachings of Jesus. 

--This is the same Jesus who prayed that all His followers be brought to complete unity.

John 17:22-23 (NIV) ²² I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one:
²³  I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

--The man rescued after 15 years on a deserted island. Three buildings. House. Church. Old church.

5. We Must Use Sensitivity and Go to the Person in Private. 

--Jesus tells us to go to the person we have the conflict with and deal with it just between the two of you. The privacy avoids un-necessary embarrassment to the person you are trying to reconcile with.

--We approach him or her the way we would want to be approached. Following the Golden Rule. 

Matthew 7:12 (NLT2) ¹² “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.

--In the 60s and 70s psychologist were teaching that you do not hold in repressed anger but that you let it out like and erupting volcano. Blow off steam! Get it off your chest!

--They taught that if you don’t let it go, it will build up like steam in a tea kettle and just simply blow up one day when your least expecting it. Very strange.

--We don’t think of other emotions that way. What if I hold all this joy inside of me for a very long time until I just can’t contain it anymore. I explode in laughter in the mall one day. Lock you up.

--Here’s another problem with venting your anger toward someone. The person doesn’t like it and will probably get angry at you. Example of road rage. Oh, thank you for yelling at me. Nope!

--The key is that you talk to the person the way you would like to be talked to. I have learned no matter the emotions in the room, I attempt to never change the level or tone of my voice.

Proverbs 15:1-2 (NLT2) ¹ A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.
² The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing, but the mouth of a fool belches out foolishness. 

6. We Must Kindly but Directly Discuss the Issue.

--Jesus says we must show him his fault. This is often easier said than done. People tend to, when they are face to face, go at the problem indirectly to soften the blow.

--For example a wife may be very frustrated that the husband is not picking up his dirty clothes. Instead of being direct she forms a question hoping he will get the point.

--Are those your underwear on the bedroom floor? He responds, they better be or I have a few questions for you. The problem is not dealt with and she is even more aggravated.

--We have a tendency in conflict to get a little fuzzy about the issue. The person does not get what you are saying and you are left feeling even more frustrated.

Matthew 5:37 (NKJV) ³⁷ But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.' 

7. We Must Make It Our Goal to Reconcile.

--Jesus says, “If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” The goal in conflict situations is not to win or score points—it’s reconciliation.

--Your aim in going to the person (especially in family and this beautiful community) should be to restore the relationship. Reconciliation is rarely simple and almost never quick.

--But it is Jesus’ will for all of us. It is His command for His church. If this is not the goal, all of our work and effort will be for nothing.

--In conflict we can do many things right. We can acknowledge our conflict. We can see our responsibility to do something. We can go directly to the person.

--We can keep it just between the two of us. We can make sure no one else is listening. We can speak directly to the issue of the conflict. All these are good but not enough.

--Again, our goal has to be reconciliation. If you are not ready for step seven, you are probably not ready for the first six steps. Sometimes doing Mat. 18 works and sometimes not.

--My understanding is that we are not looking for percentages, we are looking to obedience to Christ. Either way, we are commanded to forgive. Ouch.

Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT2) ¹⁴ “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
¹⁵  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Luke 23:34 (NLT2) ³⁴ Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” 

--Remember forgiveness is an absolutely necessary part of Mat. 18.

Learn to Listen – 6

Learn to Listen – 6

Subject – The Tent of Meeting

By Rick Welborne

1 Samuel 3:9-10 (NIV)
⁹  So Eli told Samuel, "Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, 'Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.'" So Samuel went and lay down in his place.
¹⁰  The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, "Samuel! Samuel!" Then Samuel said, "Speak, for your servant is listening." 

Exodus 33:11 (NLT2)
¹¹  Inside the Tent of Meeting, the LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend. Afterward Moses would return to the camp, but the young man who assisted him, Joshua son of Nun, would remain behind in the Tent of Meeting.

--In just a little later we will get to the Tent of Meeting where Moses and Joshua would go to listen to and talk to the Lord. Suffice to say we all need that place.

1. A Place to Listen

--When you look at through the Bible you see whispering spots or places where people would listen to the Lord as He spoke to them. Again, we all need that place.

--For Abraham it was the oak of Mamre. For Isaac it was the well outside Nahor. For Jacob, it was Bethel. For Moses, it was a burning bush. For Joshua, it was Gilgal. For Gideon, it was the oak tree in Oephrah.

--For Samuel, it was the tabernacle in Shiloh. For David, it was the cave of Adullam. For Elijah, it was Mount Carmel. For Mordecai, it was the king’s gate at the citadel of Susa. 

--For Ezekiel, it was the Kebar River. For Daniel, it was an upstairs window facing Jerusalem. For Jonah, it was the belly of a large fish. 

--Before we continue, let me be clear about this: God can show up anywhere, anytime, anyhow. That’s probably why God appeared to Moses in a burning bush instead of the pyramids. God is everywhere.

--Yes, God’s presence was manifested between the cherubim’s wings above the Ark of the Covenant in the Holy of Holies on the Day of Atonement.

--But if you think God is confined to a chronological day or a geographical location, you’ve put God in a box, even if the box is the ark of the covenant. Don’t use the Bible to box God in.

Caution: There are those who believe that God only speaks thru scripture. Yes, we believe the scriptures are the inspired Word of God and we believe the canon is closed.

--As you read the Word of God you see that God showed up in the lives of people in strange places and at strange times. He has not changed. On FB I see daily those who see Him in a sunset.

Batterson – God still turns appointments into divine appointments. He still uploads desires, opens doors, and inspires dreams. He still speaks through promptings and people and pain. And just as He did for Moses, He can turn any patch of ground into holy ground.  

--In 1940 Dr. J. Edwin Orr took a group of Wheaton College students to study abroad in England. One of the places they visited was John Wesley’s home, the founder of the Methodist Movement.

--In one of the bedrooms there were two impressions on the floor where it was believed that Wesley knelt to pray. As they loaded the bus Orr noticed one student was missing.

--Going back upstairs, Dr. Orr found a young Billy Graham kneeling in those kneeholes and praying, “Lord, do it again!” I believe God heard his prayer. We should be praying, “Lord, do it again!”

--Suffice to say, we all need to find a quiet place to pray and to listen to God’s voice.

2. A Pierced Ear

--Six times in the Gospels and eight times in the Book of Revelation, Jesus repeats these six words, “Whoever has ears, let them hear.” It is a simple statement but the implications are powerful.

--When Jesus would have said the words, “Whoever has ears, let them hear.” The Jewish ear would have heard hints of Psalms 40:6.

Psalm 40:6 (NKJV) ⁶ My ears You have opened. 

--The Hebrew word for opened is archaeological, meaning to excavate or dig through dense material. How many of you believe God has to do some digging thru dense material?

--The word for opened can also be translated “to pierce” which led many scholars to believe David was inferring to an ancient ritual outlined at Mount Sinai.

Exodus 21:5-6 (NLT2)
⁵  But the slave may declare, ‘I love my master, my wife, and my children. I don’t want to go free.’
⁶  If he does this, his master must present him before God. Then his master must take him to the door or doorpost and publicly pierce his ear with an awl. After that, the slave will serve his master for life.

--Has your spiritual ear been pierced? Has your inner ear been consecrated to Christ? Is God’s still small voice the loudest voice in your life?

--Before any of you run home and tell your parents you want your ears pierced because it is in the bible, make sure you are willing to serve your God and your parents for a lifetime. 

--The Latin word for obey is obedire which means to “give ear.” Obedience starts with a pierced ear. It is tuning into God’s quiet voice and willingly serving Him with all your heart. 

--It’s obeying God’s whispers from His Word and whispers to your heart no matter if society, culture, or a thousand other voices are screaming at you something different.

Jose Ortega y Gasset – Spanish Philosopher – Tell me to what you pay attention and I will tell you who you are. You will eventually be shaped in the image of the loudest voice in your life—the voice you listen to most. Genuine listening is ultimately an act of submission. 

--The natural reaction to have when you get into a lively discussion (argument) with your spouse or anyone else is to elevate your voice to solve the problem. It never works.

--The solution is shutting your mouth and opening your ears. The way we submit to one another is by genuinely, thoughtfully, patiently, and carefully listening. The same is true with God.

Ephesians 5:21 (NLT2) ²¹ And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 

3. The Tent of Meeting

--The Tent of Meeting was a tent Moses set up outside the camp as the children of Israel wandered around in the wilderness. Moses wanted to be far enough away not to be distracted.

--He was tired of the Israelites incessant grumbling, complaining, and murmuring. He desperately needed a quiet place—a place where he could hear God’s still small voice.

--Have you ever wondered or meditated on why God chose Joshua to be his Moses’ successor? First of all, he was one of the two spies (Caleb) who brought back a positive report from Canaan. 

--The other ten spies who had very loud voices brought back negative reports. The people listened to the wrong voices and it cost them forty years in the desert.

--Be careful listening to the majority who have the extremely loud voices and negative opinions because they can take you on a path you do not want to go.

--But there is a second reason God chose Joshua to succeed Moses. God trusts most those who know Him best. Those who spent time with Him. He was chosen because He spent time with God.

Exodus 33:11 (NLT2) ¹¹ Inside the Tent of Meeting, the LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend. Afterward Moses would return to the camp, but the young man who assisted him, Joshua son of Nun, would remain behind in the Tent of Meeting.

--Like Moses and Joshua, we all need a Tent of Meeting, a place where we can linger in the presence of God and learn to hear is quiet voice. 

--Let me ask you a silly question. Have you ever tried setting up a meeting with someone without designating a time and place?

--Imagine asking someone when he wants to meet and he says whenever. Or asking him where he wants to meet and he says wherever. Good luck with that meeting. 

--Setting up a Tent of Meeting takes effort and being intentional. It also takes time and patience.

--Archbishop Fulton L. Sheen (80 years old) was speaking to a group of nuns and explaining to them how he became the most influential Catholic in America next to the Pope. 

--It almost sounds a little condescending but I guess he felt like he had lived enough life to have freedom to share his heart and his mind. No time to dillydally! 

Sheen – You nuns are far more intelligent than me. So why am I speaking to you? I’ll tell you why. Because my words have power. And why do I think my words have power? My words have power because for fifty-five years, 365 days a year, I’ve spent an hour in God’s presence!

--Sometimes life has a way of throwing you into the Tent of Meeting or a whispering spot. When you heart is broken or your world is crumbling, find God’s presence and then, listen!

--I don’t know about you but it seems to me that one of the enemy’s main weapon against the body of Christ is a spirit of frustration. People are agitated and are in need of rest.

--Sleep is wonderful and sleep is needed but that is not the kind of rest I am talking about. I am talking about a Tent of Meeting…a meeting place where we find God and we find rest.

Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT2)
²⁸  Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
²⁹  Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
³⁰  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Old Song – Shut in with God in a secret place, there in His Presence beholding His face; finding new strength to run in the race; how I love to be shut in with God. 

'Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.'

We Need Each Other – 9

We Need Each Other – 9

Subject – Resolving Conflict in the Community

By Rick Welborne

Hebrews 10:24-25 (NLT2) ²⁴ Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.
²⁵  And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.

Matthew 18:15-17 (NIV) ¹⁵ "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
¹⁶  But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'
¹⁷  If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. 

--I want to take this single statement to talk about today. If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 

--This topic is so crucial to understand in this beautiful community we call church. It also works in all other communities, family, work, sports, etc. 

--My staff have heard me mention this hundreds of times and I have preached on it many times in the years I have been the lead pastor. It’s absolutely necessary for all of us.

--Jesus command and, yes, it is a command can be broken down like this:

1. If there is conflict…

2. You…

3. Go…

4. To the person…

5. In private…

6. And discuss the problem…

7. For the purpose of reconciliation.

--Dealing with conflict always involves a series of choices. With each choice, we are tempted to handle the conflict in a destructive manner.

--But, if we want to be invited into the community of the Trinity and have fellowship with them, we will have to be led by Jesus into a better way. We must obey Him.

--Jesus has given us a set of instructions in the Bible that are so simple that even a child could do them. Basically, Jesus is saying, “Go and tell.”

--Go to the other person and discuss the problem. The odd thing is, we don’t do it. This may be the most disobeyed of all the instructions Jesus ever gave to us. Why?

--Because at each point in His teaching, we face a crossroad. We face powerful reasons to ignore His instructions. We are tempted to go the other way…to go our own way. This may take a couple of weeks.

1. We Must Acknowledge There is Conflict. 

--If your brother or sister sins against you or actually when your brother or sister sins against you. To be alive and to be around people means that you will have conflict. 1. If you have conflict…

--In every community people fight or have conflict. Sometimes they fight a lot, and sometimes they fight a little. Sometimes constructively, sometimes destructively.

--Sometimes fairly, sometimes unfairly. Sometimes fights end in hugs and kisses and new depths of intimacy; sometimes they end in screaming and loss of control. Sometimes they are cold and withdrawn.

Ortberg – To be alive means to be in conflict. It’s part of the Dance of the Porcupines. People may not be normal but conflict surely is—at least in our world. It is an inescapable part of being human beings. Sometimes people think that lack of conflict is automatically a sign of spiritual maturity. Unfortunately, that’s not necessarily the case.

--Even in relationships at home, work, or church, the lack of conflict does not mean everything is okay. Often it means that the parties don’t care enough to deal with the issue.

--I have said for years…If you can talk it out, you can work it out. Be brave and talk when there are issues. The place to start is to admit there are unresolved conflict in your life…a breakdown.

--I have dealt with many through the years, when faced with conflict, decide to “junk” the relationship. Pastor, I am done with that person. The problem with that is, it is not Biblical.

--We need each other! Agree? If so, let us determine to face relational breakdown squarely in the eye. If we will be a vital part of this community, unresolved breakdowns are not acceptable.

--This is why in our Covenant Member’s Class conflict is addressed according to Matthew 18.

Matthew 18:15 (NIV) ¹⁵ "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 

2. We Must Own Responsibility in the Conflict.

--Point 2 is “You.” Jesus is saying to everyone who will listen and obey to own the task of seeking reconciliation. We don’t want to do that.

--We have these thoughts or comments…Let the other person come to me. It’s not fair that I should have to be the one to take the first step.

--When we get angry because of the conflict, there is always an element of self-righteousness that causes us to want to blame the other person and avoid taking responsibility.

--We often play the game of justifying our mismanaged anger because of what the other person did. In the church, this beautiful community, that is unacceptable. 

Hebrews 10:24-25 (NLT2) ²⁴ Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.
²⁵  And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.

--Owning responsibility means whether the other person sinned against you or you sinned against someone, you have to take the first step.

James 5:16 (NLT2) ¹⁶ Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

--So why should we take the first step? Because people who value community are people who own responsibility to deal with relationship conflicts. It shows your love for the church.

3. We Do Not Avoid the Person, but We Go to Them. 

--Jesus says “Go”. In other words, take action to make sure that resentment does not fester. But I don’t want to “Go” I want to stay and stew. I’d rather be mad. Better to pout. Might get ugly if I go.

--This is a huge step in the process. But be aware things may not go very well. Even if you stumble and stutter over your words, do not let that stop you from being obedient. 

--Yes, use as much wisdom, skill, and kindness that you can. If you wait until you can do it perfectly, you will never go. Doing it perfectly is not the main concern. The main concern is to go.

--Avoiding the situation kills community and it also causes resentment to fester inside of you. This leads to anger which can cause you to act or re-act in ways that are not Christ-like. 

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT2)
³¹  Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.
³²  Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

--It is a good thing that you have the capacity to be angry. It’s a part of life. But you were not meant to live in an extended state of anger. Anger is like a smoke detector.

Ortberg – It is very good to have one. When it buzzes, it signals something needs to be fixed. Maybe the problem is external—you need to put out a fire. Maybe the problem is internal—the batteries may be out, in which case you need to fix the detector. It’s good to have the detector, but it’s not good to live with the smoke detector constantly making noise. 

--Anger exists to tell you something is wrong and to move you to action. Anger exists so you will be motivated to make it go away. 

--But I need a cooling down period. Really? Most of the time what happens during that period of time is that the enemy throws more and more negative thoughts that increases the anger.

--Two key questions you must ask: 1. Why am I angry? 2. What do I want?Usually the anger is a symptom of being hurt, frustrated or dealing with fear. Once you discern what that is, confess it to God and take action. 

--What do I want? I hope because we are a part of this wonderful community, we want reconciliation. They will take action and Jesus says that action is to go to that person. Obedience.

--Can’t I just pray and have faith that it will work out? You can but is that obedience to God’s Word?

James 2:17-18 (NIV) ¹⁷  In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
¹⁸  But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. 

Matthew 18:19-22 (NKJV) ¹⁹ Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.
²⁰  For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them."
²¹  Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"
²²  Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.