We Need Each Other – 10
Subject – Resolving Conflict in the Community
By Rick Welborne
Hebrews 10:24-25 (NLT2)
24 Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.
25 And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.
Matthew 18:15-17 (NIV)
15 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'
17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
1. If there is conflict…
2. You…
3. Go…
4. To the person…
5. In private…
6. And discuss the problem…
7. For the purpose of reconciliation.
1. We Must Acknowledge There is Conflict.
2. We Must Own Responsibility in the Conflict.
3. We Do Not Avoid the Person, but We Go to Them.
4. We Must Not Include Third Parties.
--Jesus says (and He is supposed to be Lord) go directly “to the person” you are in conflict with. As a general rule, we don’t want to go to the person we are in conflict with. Last person I want to go to.
--Honestly, I want to go to someone else and tell them what is going on and get their feedback. Of course, a neutral third party who will be fair about the issue. Right!
--You tell this third neutral party your concerns (the Bible calls this gossip and slander) not to tell anyone else that this brother or sister is a deeply disturbed psychopath.
--The truth is, it’s more fun and it’s easier to go to someone else. I can have the third party to commiserate (sympathize) with me. I’m building my case. You are actually building walls.
--Please do not think the early church was without conflict. Yes, they were of one mind and they were devoted to one another but they were not without problems and conflict.
--The Greek speaking members were upset with the Hebrew speaking members over the care of their widows. Paul and Barnabas went their separate ways because they had a conflict about Mark.
--Paul wrote to Philippi, where two prominent women, Euodia and Syntyche were locked in conflict. What he doesn’t tell them was each of them make their case before the church.
Philippians 4:2-3 (NIV)
2 I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord.
3 Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.
--Notice how Paul after he has pleaded with them to agree, commends them as women who contended with him for the gospel and he says their names are in the book of life.
--Just because they were having conflict did not mean they were bad people. Just because we are spiritual does not mean an absence of conflict.
--The litmus test is how we handle it. Conflict is inevitable. Resentment is optional. Going directly to the person is a command by Jesus.
--There is a myth that if I can go to a non-biased third party and vent (talk out my issues) it will help me work thru it. Two problems. We don’t go to a neutral person and it’s not what Jesus said.
Carol Tavris – Talking out an emotion doesn’t reduce it, it rehearses it. As you recite your grievances, your emotional arousal builds up again, making you feel as angry as you did when the infuriating event first happened, and, in addition, establishing an attitude of hostility about the source of your rage.
--Sadly churches split over conflict. In the 20th Century there were more than 100 varieties of Baptist Churches. There are more than 33,000 denominations of Christianity in the world and most all were splits.
--Almost all of them were born out of anger and hostility. Noteworthy is the fact that these splits happened between people who claimed to follow the teachings of Jesus.
--This is the same Jesus who prayed that all His followers be brought to complete unity.
John 17:22-23 (NIV) 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one:
23 I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.
--The man rescued after 15 years on a deserted island. Three buildings. House. Church. Old church.
5. We Must Use Sensitivity and Go to the Person in Private.
--Jesus tells us to go to the person we have the conflict with and deal with it just between the two of you. The privacy avoids un-necessary embarrassment to the person you are trying to reconcile with.
--We approach him or her the way we would want to be approached. Following the Golden Rule.
Matthew 7:12 (NLT2) 12 “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.
--In the 60s and 70s psychologist were teaching that you do not hold in repressed anger but that you let it out like and erupting volcano. Blow off steam! Get it off your chest!
--They taught that if you don’t let it go, it will build up like steam in a tea kettle and just simply blow up one day when your least expecting it. Very strange.
--We don’t think of other emotions that way. What if I hold all this joy inside of me for a very long time until I just can’t contain it anymore. I explode in laughter in the mall one day. Lock you up.
--Here’s another problem with venting your anger toward someone. The person doesn’t like it and will probably get angry at you. Example of road rage. Oh, thank you for yelling at me. Nope!
--The key is that you talk to the person the way you would like to be talked to. I have learned no matter the emotions in the room, I attempt to never change the level or tone of my voice.
Proverbs 15:1-2 (NLT2) 1 A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.
2 The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing, but the mouth of a fool belches out foolishness.
6. We Must Kindly but Directly Discuss the Issue.
--Jesus says we must show him his fault. This is often easier said than done. People tend to, when they are face to face, go at the problem indirectly to soften the blow.
--For example a wife may be very frustrated that the husband is not picking up his dirty clothes. Instead of being direct she forms a question hoping he will get the point.
--Are those your underwear on the bedroom floor? He responds, they better be or I have a few questions for you. The problem is not dealt with and she is even more aggravated.
--We have a tendency in conflict to get a little fuzzy about the issue. The person does not get what you are saying and you are left feeling even more frustrated.
Matthew 5:37 (NKJV) 37 But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.'
7. We Must Make It Our Goal to Reconcile.
--Jesus says, “If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” The goal in conflict situations is not to win or score points—it’s reconciliation.
--Your aim in going to the person (especially in family and this beautiful community) should be to restore the relationship. Reconciliation is rarely simple and almost never quick.
--But it is Jesus’ will for all of us. It is His command for His church. If this is not the goal, all of our work and effort will be for nothing.
--In conflict we can do many things right. We can acknowledge our conflict. We can see our responsibility to do something. We can go directly to the person.
--We can keep it just between the two of us. We can make sure no one else is listening. We can speak directly to the issue of the conflict. All these are good but not enough.
--Again, our goal has to be reconciliation. If you are not ready for step seven, you are probably not ready for the first six steps. Sometimes doing Mat. 18 works and sometimes not.
--My understanding is that we are not looking for percentages, we are looking to obedience to Christ. Either way, we are commanded to forgive. Ouch.
Matthew 6:14-15 (NLT2) 14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Luke 23:34 (NLT2) 34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”
--Remember forgiveness is an absolutely necessary part of Mat. 18.
