Boundaries – 7

Boundaries – 7

Subject – Laws of Boundaries

by Rick Welborne

Galatians 6:1-8 (NKJV)
¹  Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.
²  Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
³  For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.
⁴  But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.
⁵  For each one shall bear his own load.
⁶  Let him who is taught the word share in all good things with him who teaches.
⁷  Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.
⁸  For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. 

--So we looked at these laws of boundaries: The Law of Reaping and Sowing, The Law of Responsibility, and The Law of Power

1. The Law of Respect

--We hear from people often who say…if I set boundaries or if I say no to them they will reject me. They get angry if I set limits. They will not talk to me if I tell them what boundaries are. 

--We are so afraid that others will not respect our boundaries. We focus so much on others that we lose clarity about ourselves. 

--Since I have been doing this series I have had a lady in our church (this situation proves she is a lady) come to me and share how she was dating a man who wanted to cross her boundaries as a Christian.

--Sadly many in the church are so much like the world that they do not have boundaries in this area but she said no to him. He said, if you say no I will have to go…she said go! Good for her, God has someone better. 

--One of our problems is that we have a tendency to judge other people’s boundaries. We think things like:

“How could that person not come to my meeting, my ministry, or my Tupperware party…whatever they were doing could not be more important than this. We are all sacrificing to be here.”

“How could you say no to me about loaning me money. You know I will pay it back.”

“With all I do for you, it seems like you could do this one little thing for me.”

--We judge other’s boundaries when we really do not know what they are. Maybe they have committed the night of your meeting to family or date night with their spouse. 

--Maybe one of their boundaries is not to loan money to people because money has a way of hurting family or friends. Maybe the favor you are asking for is just not possible at that time. Respect their boundaries. 

Cloud and Townsend – We need to respect the boundaries of others. We need to love the boundaries of others in order to command respect for our own. We need to treat their boundaries the way we want them to treat ours. If we love and respect people who tell us no, they will love and respect our no. Freedom begets freedom. 

Matthew 7:12 (NKJV)
¹²  Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. 

--If we are walking in the Spirit, we will give people the freedom to make their own choices. Sure, some people are lazy and some should be at your meeting, but allow God to be the judge not you. 

--It should not be that we ask, are they doing what I would do or what I want them to do but are they free to make their own choices. Never withdraw your love from others when they set boundaries. 

1 John 4:12 (NLT2)
¹²  …But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us. 

2. The Law of Motivation

--Most of us know someone in the church who is always doing something for someone who asks them to do it. It appears they are doing what they are doing to be a good Christian.

--But there’s a problem…these people do not seem to be very happy. Many times they become critical about how more people should help and how they should do more. They get grumpy and snappy.

--Maybe they had a mother or father who would ask them to do something for them and if the person asked did not do it, love was withheld. We end up giving, not out of love, but out of fear. 

--Maybe it is fear or people’s anger that keeps us from setting boundaries or keeping the ones we have. These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries. Examples.

A. Fear of loss of love, or abandonment. 

Cloud and Townsend - People who say yes and then resent saying yes fear losing someone’s love. This is the dominant motive of martyrs. They give, to get love, and when they don’t get it, they feel abandoned. 

B. Fear of other’s anger.

--Because of old hurts and poor boundaries, people can’t stand for anyone to be angry at them. 

C. Fear of loneliness. 

--Some people give in to others because they feel they will “win” love and end their loneliness. So many of the greats in the Bible had to have stand-alone faith.

--People like Joseph and Daniel could have given in to their loneliness but we would have never read the great victories of their lives. Their boundaries for God were strong and in tack. 

--Stand-alone faith is really an oxymoron for the Christian…we are never really alone…God is with us. 

D. Fear of losing the “good me” inside. 

--We are made to love. As a result, when we are not loving, we are in pain. It is difficult for someone to say, “I love you and I do not want to do what you are asking me.”

--Such a statement like that does not make sense to them. They think to love someone is to always be willing to say yes. No can be said in love and it needs to be said sometimes. Probably often!

E. Guilt.

--Many people’s giving is motivated by guilt. They are trying to do enough good things to overcome the guilt inside and feel good about themselves. So they keep trying to earn a sense of goodness. 

--We have to understand that this world’s guilt is messed up but Godly sorrow leads us to good things:

2 Corinthians 7:9-10 (NKJV)
⁹  Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing.
¹⁰  For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death.

F. Payback.

--Many people receive things from people with guilt messages attached to it. We want our children to have it better than we did, yet when we give them things we tend to make them feel bad about it.

--We would be better to encourage them to pay their blessings forward instead of making them feel they need to pay us back. Simply encourage them to be thankful to God for His goodness.

G. Approval

--Many people feel as if they are little children seeking the approval of their parents. I could never make my parents happy with anything I did.

--Matter of fact, almost everything bad that happened at school was me (in their minds). Every girl who was pregnant out of wedlock…I was the father of the child.

--Caution parents, if you keep accusing your kids falsely or without having adequate proof…they will eventually live down to the expectations you have of them. I finally gave up defending myself.

--Because of that I searched for affirmation wherever I could find it…our affirmation has to be from God or we will keep looking for love in all the wrong places. 

Psalm 54:4 (NIV)
⁴  Surely God is my help; the Lord is the One who sustains me. 

Cloud and Bounds – The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to. 

3. The Law of Evaluation.

--Sometimes when we have to confront someone, we don’t want to do it because we are afraid that it will hurt them. Often leaders have to take responsibilities from someone who is not performing well.

--You may be reluctant to do it but you have to evaluate whether your decision will harm the person. Telling the person may hurt them but it probably will not harm them. There is a difference. 

--It hurts when a dentist drills on my teeth to get rid of a cavity but is he harming me? Of course not. He is helping me to not have worse future problems. 

--Hurt and harm are different. When you eat the sweets that give you the cavities does it hurt? Of course not, it feels good. Does it harm you in the long run? Yes!

--So that is my point here. Things can hurt us and not harm us. In fact, they can even be good for us. And there are things that may feel good at the time that can be harmful to us. 

--So here is the question…should we avoid setting good godly boundaries because doing so may cause someone to be hurt or get angry? I believe Jesus calls this choosing the narrow gate…not the broad way.

--Deciding to set boundaries is difficult because it requires decision making and confrontation, which, in turn, may cause pain in someone you love. Sometimes the truth hurts but it still needs to be said.

Ephesians 4:25 (NCV)
²⁵  So you must stop telling lies. Tell each other the truth, because we all belong to each other in the same body.

Cloud and Townsend – We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing that we can do for them and the relationship. We need to evaluate the pain in a positive light. 

Matthew 18:15 (NCV)
¹⁵ “If your fellow believer sins against you, go and tell him in private what he did wrong. If he listens to you, you have helped that person to be your brother or sister again. 

4. The Law of Proactivity

--For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. For example, people in the Old Testament reacted to the law because until the law came, they were not aware of their sin. Maybe you rebelled because of parents:

Ephesians 6:4 (NKJV)
⁴  And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. 

--Many times, like a pent up volcano, people will take things for years and years and then finally explode. People who have been victims of sexual or physical abuse eventually manifest emotions.

--We need to celebrate when someone is set free from anything like this but here is the question…Why stay there? At two years throwing peas at mommy may be cute but a forty-two-year-old not so much.

Cloud and Bounds – But when is enough enough? Reaction phases are necessary but not sufficient for the establishment of boundaries. It is crucial for victims of abuse to feel the rage and hatred of being powerless, but to be screaming “victim’s rights” for the rest of their lives is being stuck in a “victim mentality.”

--The person who has been hurt or abused cannot stay in a reactive state because it has diminishing returns. Once you recognize your new boundaries, embrace them and move on. 

Galatians 5:13-15 (NLT2)
¹³  For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.
¹⁴  For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
¹⁵  But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another.

--We all have seen people who are motivated much more by hate than they are love. The proactive person using their new freedom as an opportunity to love and help others.

--Proactive people have learned to die to themselves, move on, and not to return evil for evil. Listen to Jesus:

Matthew 5:38-39 (NIV)
³⁸  "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'
³⁹  But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.