Boundaries – 10
Subject – Boundaries on the Inside
by Rick Welborne
Galatians 6:1-8 (NKJV)
1 Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.
2 Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
3 For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.
4 But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.
5 For each one shall bear his own load.
6 Let him who is taught the word share in all good things with him who teaches.
7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.
8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.
1 Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.
2 Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
3 For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.
4 But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.
5 For each one shall bear his own load.
6 Let him who is taught the word share in all good things with him who teaches.
7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.
8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.
--Last week we looked at a list of issues that indicate that we have boundary problems on the inside. Learning to be mature in self-boundaries is not easy.
--There are many obstacles that can hinder our progress but please know God desires us to be mature (be disciples) and He desires we use self-control even more than we do.
--Please do not forget that God is for you and He (through Paul) is trying to exhort you, encourage you, and implore you.
1 Thessalonians 2:10-12 (NKJV)
10 You are witnesses, and God also, how devoutly and justly and blamelessly we behaved ourselves among you who believe;
11 as you know how we exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as a father does his own children,
12 that you would walk worthy of God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory.
10 You are witnesses, and God also, how devoutly and justly and blamelessly we behaved ourselves among you who believe;
11 as you know how we exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as a father does his own children,
12 that you would walk worthy of God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory.
--So, Pastor Rick, how can we walk worthy or to set limits on our out of control behavior? We know God is calling us out of this trap but we need a plan. Think about and evaluate this.
1. Identify the symptoms of your out of control behavior.
--You will need to take an honest look at the fruit you may be exhibiting by not being able to say no to yourself. You may be experiencing depression, anxiety, panic, phobias, rage, isolations, etc.
--All of these symptoms can be related to your difficulty in setting limits on your own behavior. You can use these symptoms to identify the particular boundary problems you are having.
2. Identify the roots of your out of control behavior.
--This is key: Identifying the causes of your self-boundary problems will assist you in understanding your own contribution to your problem (how you have sinned or opened the door).
--It will also help you identify your developmental injuries (how others have sinned against you), and significant relationships that have contributed to your problem. We do not live in a vacuum.
--Some possible roots of self-boundary conflicts include:
a. Lack of training. Some people have never learned to accept limits, to pay the consequences of their actions, or to delay gratification when they were growing up. No consequences for dawdling as a child. Slow and lazy!
b. Rewarded destructiveness. Sometimes the only reason a family has to come together is when a family member who is an addict or alcoholic acts out. It gets everyone together for all the wrong reasons.
c. Distorted need. Some of our boundary problems are legitimate, God given needs in disguise. God gave us sexual desire to reproduce and for pleasure with our spouses. The person addicted to porn has diverted God’s original intent and is finding their fulfillment in the wrong places. Never gets fully satisfied.
d. Fear of relationships. People really want to be loved but their out of control behavior (overeating, over working) keeps others away. For some it is their mouths that keep people away.
e. Unmet emotional hungers. We all need love during the first few years of life. When we don’t receive this love, we hunger for it the rest of our lives. This hunger for love is so powerful.
--When we don’t find this love in relationships with other people, we look for it in other places, such as in food, in work, in sexual activity, or in spending money.
f. Being under the law. Many Christians raised in legalistic environments were not permitted to make decisions for themselves. When they try to make their own decisions, they feel guilty.
--This guilt causes them to rebel in destructive ways. Food addictions and compulsive spending are often reactions against strict rules. Children of pastors are especially vulnerable here.
g. Covering emotional hurt. People who have been injured emotionally, who were neglected or abused as children, disguise their pain by overeating, drinking too much, or working too much.
--They may abuse substances to distract from the real pain of being unloved, unwanted, and alone. They are afraid that if they ever stopped using these disguises, their isolation would be intolerable.
3. Identify the boundary conflict.
--This where we have to be totally honest with ourselves about our particular self-boundary problems and identify what ours is.
--It may be related to eating, money, time, task completion, the tongue, sexuality, alcohol or substance abuse. It could be other areas, but the point is, asking God for insight into what areas that you are out of control.
4. Take responsibility and take ownership for the out of control behavior.
--This is where you have to take the painful step of taking responsibility for your out of control behavior. You may be able to trace it back to family, neglect, abuse, or trauma.
--In other words, our boundary conflicts may not be our fault, but hear me, they are still our responsibility.
1 John 1:9-10 (NKJV)
9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.
9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.
5. Identify what you need.
--It is pretty much useless to try to deal with your boundary issues with yourself until you’re actively developing safe, trusting, grace-and-truth relationships with others especially in the context of church.
--You will be extremely hampered in gaining insight into or control over yourself when you are disconnected from God’s source of spiritual and emotional fuel. God the Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and the Church!
--I know there are people here today who are the “do-it-yourself” types who would like for us to just give you a three step plan and turn you lose. Self- boundary issues are not usually resolved quickly.
--Here’s the problem with many people with self-boundary struggles…they are quite isolated from deep relationships with others who could help them.
Ephesians 3:16-17 (NKJV)
16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man,
17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man,
17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
Proverbs 18:1 (NKJV)
1 A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment.
1 A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment.
--Let me put a qualifier on this truth about being rooted and grounded in deep relationships and about helping with your isolation. We all need mentors and we all need those of whom we can be transparent.
--Many times I have seen people get hurt or even offended when they want the pastors to be their accountability partners. The truth is, that is not possible.
--Jesus was always willing to minister to the hurting and He healed many. Truthfully though, He only spoke deeply into the lives of a few. The disciples. God used them to change the world.
Bounds and Townsend – They have to take what they think are steps backward to learn to connect with others. Connecting with others is a time-consuming, risky, and painful process. Finding the right people, group, or church is hard enough, but after joining up, admitting your need for others may be even more difficult. Do it yourself people will often fall back into a cognitive or will power approach, simply because it’s not as slow or as risky.
--So what is this saying to us? Getting connected and getting the help we need with our self-boundary issues are a great part of discipleship. We need to stop putting it on leaders or others to get us connected.
--Even if we went through the effort of trying to connect you…either you would not like who we connected you with (I have seen this often) or it would not be a good fit for them.
--Part of growing up spiritually is putting out the effort of finding a connect group, Sunday School class, men’s ministry, women’s ministry or something to get into deep relationships.
--Listen to this caution: if we try to work out our self-boundary issues ourselves without the help or accountability of others, we will more than likely end up worse than we were before. We see this process:
Luke 11:24-26 (NLT2)
24 “When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, searching for rest. But when it finds none, it says, ‘I will return to the person I came from.’
25 So it returns and finds that its former home is all swept and in order.
26 Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before.”
24 “When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, searching for rest. But when it finds none, it says, ‘I will return to the person I came from.’
25 So it returns and finds that its former home is all swept and in order.
26 Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before.”
--You doing it yourselves may give an appearance that your house is in order but your isolation and your empty house guarantees spiritual vulnerability.
Key: It is only when our house if full of the love of God and others that we can resist the wiles of the devil. Plugging in is neither an option, nor a luxury; it is a spiritual and emotional life-and-death issue.
6. Now I begin.
--Once you have identified your self-boundary problem and owned it, you now can do something about it. So how do we begin to set boundaries on ourselves?
a. Address your real need. So many times out of control patterns disguise a need for something else. You need to deal with what the real problem is before you can deal with the out of control behavior.
--For example, food can be used as a barrier to keep someone from intimacy. We have to be willing to ask for help with the real problem, not just the symptoms (the behavior).
b. Allow yourself to fail. Just acknowledging what your real problem is does not guarantee that your out of control behavior will disappear. Many of us get frustrated that our behavior keeps recurring.
--They think…I have joined a support group but I am still viewing pornography, still not managing my time, still spending too much, and I am talking too much to hide the real me.
Proverbs 24:16-18 (NIV)
16 for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity.
17 Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice,
18 or the LORD will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from him.
16 for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity.
17 Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice,
18 or the LORD will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from him.
--As a reminder from two weeks ago… The sin God rebukes is not trying and failing but failing to try at all. Trying, failing, and trying again is called learning. Failing to try never produces anything good.
--We need to embrace failure instead of trying to avoid it. Those people who spend their lives trying to avoid failure are also avowing maturity.
Hebrews 5:7-8 (NIV)
7 During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.
8 Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered
7 During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.
8 Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered
--I think all of us are drawn to those who have plenty of battle scars. Their lessons and experience can be trusted much more than those who have never failed (at least that they have admitted).
c. Listen to emphatic feedback from others. As you fail in setting boundaries for yourself, be willing to take instruction from people who care about you. Receive the truth without making issues of the process.
2 Timothy 3:16-17 (NKJV)
16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness,
17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.
16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness,
17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.
d. Surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive. You do not need people who will coddle you when you mess up like close friends and family tend to do. You need people who will guide you to truth.
John 8:32 (NKJV)
32 And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
32 And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
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